Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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