Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
