I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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