Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
