new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
