I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
