What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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