How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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