The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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