I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
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