She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
