it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
