found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
