i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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