After last night, I could never be a politician.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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