I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
