I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
