the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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