Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
