there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
