So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
