I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
