I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
