I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
