When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
