mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My life is pants optional.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
