Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
