I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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