he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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