Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
