found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
they're like a gay fantastic four
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
