Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
ok first of all what the fuck
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
