Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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