i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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