there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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