Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
