I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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