this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
