i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
