We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
