I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
