I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
