I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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