I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
