I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
