...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
