I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
