I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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