Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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