And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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